Dating Scene: The “IT” Factor

What is that unexplainable quality that drives men wild?

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Anne Marie is getting ready for her 35th birthday.  Unfortunately, she does not feel much like celebrating.  After a string of bad break-ups, she has been officially single for the last three years.  She meets men from time to time, and occasionally goes on a first or second date, but no one seems to stick.  Recently she has been feeling more discouraged than usual.  It’s in part because she’s surrounded by girlfriends who have no problem getting guys to chase them.  Her best friend, in fact, has been proposed to several times. Although she loves and admires her gal pals, being around them often intensifies her hopelessness.

“It’s really hard to be around them at times, but I try to watch and learn from them. I try to mimic how they act with guys.  I try to flirt, and be cool, but I keep getting the cold shoulder while they keep getting phone calls and flowers.”
Anne Marie told me in our last meeting that she has come to the realization that some girls just have “It” and she is not one of them.

What is “It”?

“It” is that unexplainable quality that guys love.  That thing you can’t put your finger on.  That magical and mysterious air about someone that draws you in and makes you want to get to know them better.  It’s a rarity, but easy to spot when you see it.  It not only makes men swoon, it makes them want to commit.

So how does one get “It”?  Is it something you are born with or something that can be mastered over time?  Is it something your mother passes on through her DNA, or something you can earn like a PhD?  In my opinion, the answer is both. Yes, some girls have always had “It”.  From the moment they put on their first pair of Manolo’s, they knew they were something special. But I’ve also known women that have definitely developed their “It” factor.  Women who, at one point, couldn’t get a date, that are now getting asked out while on dates.  Don’t be discouraged, it’s very possible to get “It”, you just have to know how.

Practice, practice, practice.

Everyone knows that practice makes perfect, but most people don’t realize that mantra doesn’t just apply to piano or tennis.  It applies to dating as well. A key component to the “It” factor is confidence, and unfortunately, a first date can be kryptonite to yours.  The only way to be confident on dates is to go on a lot of them.  One of the biggest mistakes you can make is only going out with men you are initially excited about.  If you don’t date all year until Mr. Perfect comes knocking, how nervous are you going to be on that first date? Your “It” factor, and self restraint for that matter, will be long gone by the time you order that second drink.  If someone asks you out, and he seems like a decent guy, go out with him.  You never know what may happen, and at the very least, you’re keeping yourself in good shape for game time.

Becky, from Glover Park, signed up for Match.com a year ago and wasn’t having any luck until recently.  “I was going out with very few guys,” she said.  “If I didn’t like their picture, I didn’t even bother reading their email.” But after only going on four dates in the last ten months (none of which resulted in a follow-up date,) Becky decided to change her strategy.  “I realized I was so nervous on dates because I hadn’t been on any in a while.” Becky’s anxiety was suppressing her personality, leaving her dates unenthusiastic about seeing her again.  Once she increased the number of dates she was going on, the nerves began to subside, and once the nerves subsided, her “It” factor began to emerge.

Like Becky, every woman can cultivate her “It” factor.  All it takes is a little practice. Once you get familiar with what to expect out there, dating will become a lot less nerve wracking and a lot more fun.  And that is what it’s supposed to be.  You can’t be yourself when you are worried and anxious about what to do, what to wear, and what to say.  Practice dating and you will see that in no time, your own, unique “It” factor will be out in full force.

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6 Responses

  1. Emily says:

    Cute post! Thanks! 🙂

  2. Jess McCann says:

    Thanks Emily 😉 And just to clarify, I don’t suggest women force themselves out with guys they have ZERO interest in. I think using a guy to get a free meal is just downright mean, but having a cup of coffee with someone that seems nice could lead to more than you’d think!

  3. Amanda says:

    Do you think an internet dating site is the best way to start out?

  4. Tralonne says:

    Thanks Jess for this article! Earlier this month I turned 35 and am finally no longer pre-occupied (an understatement) with getting married. I suppose my new outlook comes from knowing that eventually my GPS navigator will guide me to Mr. Right. With that confidence, I now go out to have a GREAT time! Yes, I am a 35 year-old woman seeking man. I am single and fabulous!” That’s my IT factor.

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