GOSSIP MAKES THIS TOWN GO ROUND

BY MICHAEL STRANGE

I love gossip. Wouldn't enjoy life without it. The nastier and juicier, the better. I devour it in all its forms: internet, newspapers, supermarket tabloids, trashy magazines, over the phone, whispered in my ear. Blind items are my crossword puzzles. When the gossip's about me, I'm mortified. When it's about my friends, I'm outwardly shocked but quietly delighted. Bring it on. Trash 'em. Slice 'em to shreds. I'll be the first one on their doorstep with flowers, the martini shaker, and a shoulder to cry on. Schadenfreude could be my middle name.
My darling but private-to-a-fault husband says my addiction to gossip is my least attractive trait. But he's also the same person who says that in this town the real gossip is on the front pages of TheWashington Post and The New York Times and the blind items are any story that includes the words, "according to an anonymous source." I love his sense of humor. It's what keeps me learning new tricks.
No matter what they say publicly, there is not one clued-in person here (or elsewhere) who doesn't read "The Reliable Source," even though it's had an up and down journey. The names fade on the horizon: Chuck-Annie/Ann- Lloyd-Richard...
But now there's Roxanne Roberts and Amy Argetsinger. Roxanne is tall and sultry; Amy is petite and adorable. Women pull their men a little closer when Roxanne enters the room. My tactic was to bond right away. I confessed, sincerely, "Roxanne, if I could wear red the way you wear red, I would never wear another color." Amy has a big smile and a perky disposition, but look into her eyes and you see a writer who knows how to use a shiv. If only the Post would let her. In fact, I only wish both women would take off the white gloves and put on the Everlasts; that's what Washington yearns for from its most-read columnists.
Not to forget the competition. When I'm around Patrick Gavin I feel like Eva Longoria with the gardener on Desperate Housewives; me and every other woman (and man) in his vicinity. His newspaper, the DC Examiner, doesn't have the reach of the Times or Post, but gossip addicts know he has skills beyond throwing off heat. What he doesn't get into his and Jeff Dufour's "Yeas and Nays" column, he dishes up at mediabistro.com. John McCaslin at The Washington Times opts for clever over mean. The true bad boy of Washington gossip is curly-headed, bespectacled Alex Pareene, the new and very young Wonkette. I visit his website right after Drudge and Page Six and right before Perez Hilton and TMZ. Patrick, Jeff, John and Alex have the potential to stir it up here in sleepytown, but those boys need an older woman to show them the ropes ... and skeletons.
What's also needed is some quick turnaround. Gossip here spends too long in a social incubator before grabbing the daylight of public knowledge. The burden falls to you, dear readers, to plant the dirt you know as soon as you know it for the joy of all. My massage therapist knew about Mark Foley early on; not before the House leadership but definitely before the media. I admonished him, "You should have called someone." How, he asked, how? It's simple. Excuse yourself to a friend's study and use their phone. Speak only to the columnist. Don't leave a message. Don't email. Set the ground rules right after "hello, you don't know me," with a very assertive "this is on background only." Then have at it. The columnist, if a pro, will make you feel like you've saved the world, even if you only saved their column and ruined a reputation.
Is Washington gossip on a par with New York and Los Angeles? You betcha. It's way better and often juicier. Lindsay Lohan tossing her cookies on Paris Hilton at a Vegas party for the Olsen twins is, literally, kid's stuff. Washington, on the other hand, gave us Monica Lewinsky, Jeff Gannon, Jack Abramoff, and, of course, Foley, to name a few of recent vintage. Hollywood and Wall Street gossip pale against the snark that spills from our leakiest institutions, the White House, Pentagon and CIA. Give us more of that. Anonymously, and with gloves off, please.

"HOLLYWOOD AND WALL STREET GOSSIP PALE AGAINST THE SNARK THAT SPILLS FROM OUR LEAKIEST INSTITUTIONS THE WHITE HOUSE PENTAGON AND CIA GIVE US MORE OF THAT ANONYMOUSLY AND WITH GLOVES OFF PLEASE"