TILL DEATH DO US…

BY MICHAEL STRANGE

Okay, students, listen up. Today's master class in marriage is: Why Do Husbands Cheat? Are you sitting comfortably in a marriage that survived the summer? It is, you know, the most dangerous time for even the best unions, when loneliness, lust and opportunity form a perfect storm of marital danger. September for divorce lawyers is like November for turkey farmers. The good news is that Washington is unique. Marriages are better protected in this town, because failure can equal career suicide. Still, the city swarms with alarming numbers of unencumbered women blinded by the pin stripes. They are auditioning for your job as Mrs. Having-It-All, just as you may once have auditioned, though we hope by now THAT part of your early romance has been erased from the official telling. You sigh and say, "Oh, this doesn't apply to me." Well, Christie Brinkley and Jennifer Aniston thought that, too.

Unless you share the corner office with him, or happen to be both wife and personal assistant, beware the prebotox, flip-flop wearing jeune fille, as well as the older, smart, fit and turned out associate or, perhaps, client: they are with him when you are not. That's why the women at my husband's office know me like a sister: friendly phone calls, unexpected visits, lavish gifts at birthdays and holidays. It's important to keep an eye on them, so they can keep on eye on each other, and everyone else, for me. Also, Mr. Strange lauds me for being, "good with the staff." The irony. Yes, I know, wives cheat, too. Do they ever. If only I could name names. But, married women do it better, and therefore this lesson is not about their affairs, which typically are discreet, uncomplicated and rarely wreck marriages.

Men, after a few years of marriage, and a child or two, begin to pout. He's no longer the center of your universe. What's a good test? Do you spend more time out with the girls than alone with him? Does your body get more of a workout in the gym than in bed? Have you made recent purchases for yourself at the Pleasure Place? If you take a trip and leave him in town alone that's inviting vulnerability. Even with a 24/7 job and lots of cronies, he'll have empty hours. Do you ever send him to dinner parties without you? That's a no-no. Unless the hostess knows you can put out a contract on her, you have no control. Consider the risk if the lady on his right is not the dowager windbag of Foxhall Road but instead the haute and hot Potomac divorcée: ready, willing and able beyond yours, and his, wildest fantasies.

Especially dangerous is the widow. One of the wisest women in Washington warned, "It's not the fashion model babes who are the real threat. It's the wounded birds." She knows of what she speaks. She lost her husband to the touchingly pathetic widow who sat next to him at a dinner she was too tired to attend. Beware, too, the best friend. When she suggests joint family dinners and weekend outings is it because she wants the fun of mingling your two families, or the juicier fun of mingling with your husband? Maybe she's the main course at those "client" dinners, which lately have occurred more often.

A few weeks ago there was a baby shower in Spring Valley for an older second-time mother, a successful media executive, who is having the little dividend to mend an almost broken marriage. Her dearest friends sipped champagne punch, sighed as she opened Tiffany silver rattles and Bonpoint onesies, and when she was out of earshot, unloaded without mercy-they know her husband is at it again. "He's screwing his new assistant," said one. "No" said another, "he's screwing her new assistant." From a third: "Actually, it's his New York trainer." The wife of the cheater's partner revealed, "All the rumors are true, and if I were her I'd kick him in the baby-maker." Oh, dear. Why do husbands cheat? I polled a few of them, including my darling, and this is what they said: Neglect, "Poor man, he doesn't feel wanted"; Boredom: "The same sex with the same person, over and over"; Bio- Anthropology: "Men are made to spread their seed around. They can't help themselves"; Biblical: "Read the New Testament. Everyone was screwing everyone."

What have we learned? Swaddle him in your adoring gaze, have a closet full of costumes, study "Hot Sex," and keep a Bible on the bed table. How exhausting. Here's a shortcut: eighty-six the gaze, the costumes, and the Bible. Memorize "Hot Sex" and get a boyfriend…. Now, a short break before the next lesson: Hiring a Detective. Readers wishing to get in touch with Michael can email her at: MStrange@washingtonlife.com